


Leave No Words Unspoken

by flash0flight



Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, Mentions of Character Death, Post-Fear Itself, buckynat - Freeform, mentions of torture, soviet soulmates, winterwidow - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-03
Updated: 2013-06-03
Packaged: 2017-12-13 20:36:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/828603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flash0flight/pseuds/flash0flight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natasha can’t tell James what she wants to say while he’s awake, but when darkness falls, when he’s lost in his own dreams, the words fall out before she can stop them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Leave No Words Unspoken

**Author's Note:**

> Based after Fear Itself, where Natasha’s nightmares about James’ ‘death’ are getting the better of her.

Sleep had never been Natasha’s strong point, but now it’s worse than ever.

Even as James settles into bed beside her, even as his muscles start to relax and he settles under the feel of her arms snaking around him, against the sensation of Natasha drawing closer to him, fitting together so perfectly beside him, she still knows she won’t sleep. Even as she presses kisses to his cheek, to his drooping eyelids, against his lips, her mind is too alert, too awake, running too fast. Everything’s a vicious circle of memories and pain and things she can’t say, things she needs to say. And it’s all keeping her up at night. It’s all too much.

When she sleeps, she wakes up screaming. The first time had been on the helicarrier. Fury had set her down on a chair in his office, wrapped a blanket around her shoulders, and told her he’d be back with news. That he’d do whatever it took to get James back to her. And, serum or not, she’d slept. She’d all but passed out, too tired, too scared to fight the exhaustion anymore. But her dreams had been worse than reality, filled with the images of James bleeding out, of him whispering her name, his last words, crimson horror soaking her hands. Natasha can remember all of it as plain as day, and it haunts her.

She’d woken up with a scream, reaching for her gun, barely getting her head on straight before she shot at Nick at his desk. It had taken far too long to calm her down. She can’t do that again. She can’t put James through that.

So even as she settles so comfortably against James, tracing patterns along the skin of his chest, light and lazy and careful, Natasha knows sleep won’t come. Not when she knows what’s waiting for her. Even as James’ own eyes shut, even as his face finally relaxes, falls into that state of precious vulnerability he never shows to anyone, never lets it come to light. Never gives anyone a reason to believe he can’t handle the world on his shoulders. Except to her. Natasha has a chance to see it every single night.

And it’s the one thing that can coax her into talking, into saying the things Natasha can’t bring herself to say when he’s awake. The things she needs more than anything for him to hear.

“ Don’t leave me. “ The whisper leaves her lips, shaky and soft, broken, and Natasha can’t help but tuck her head into the crook of James’ neck, careful in her movements as so not to wake him. Even that in itself is something she never dreamed she would say, never dreamed she’d have to say. It’s something James knows, after everything they’ve seen, everything they’ve felt. After being torn apart so viciously and horrendously, after losing all they had, everything that meant anything to them. Neither of them had anything but each other, and the Republic had taken that away. Had shattered the best sense of reality they had.

Natasha’s never thought she needed to tell him. Never thought it needed to be said, never thought it needed to be heard. She’s always just.. Known, known it would kill James to lose her. And always knew James knows the same of her. But now, with the way everything’s fallen apart, with the way they’ve steadily had to try and put it all together, Natasha needs to tell him. Even if he can’t hear her.

“ I never thought I’d see you again. I thought-- they told me the torture had become too much. That you were gone. “ Natasha hardly knows what she’s saying, memories playing in her mind like film reels, emotions running rampant. She can see it as clear as day, the moment they’d told her James had died. That it was her fault, that her involvement, her _betrayal_ caused his end. “ I never thought I would ever find you, never thought-- you were all I had, and you were just.. Gone.

“ And then you found me, purely by chance. I didn’t have to be the one carrying that shield, I didn’t-- but I was, and you found me. God, you found me, I don’t know how, I don’t know what I did to deserve-- but you found me. “

Her voice starts to shake, so soft and so raw with emotion, and Natasha can feel it overwhelming her. Everything she’s wanted to say for so long now, taking over, and she has no control over any of it, the words spilling out into the empty air, pressed into James’ skin, falling between them.

“ I couldn’t breathe, James. I saw it all happen in slow motion, like a dumb movie, and I just-- she didn’t just _hurt_ you, she tore you apart, and I wish it had been me, I wish I could have been the one she hit, the one she destroyed, the one-- I watched you bleed out, I watched you die in my arms, I never f-felt-- “ When her voice cracks, Natasha almost loses it, and she has to force the air into her lungs, tell herself to take a breath, and another, and another. “ I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t _save_ you. I lost you. I l-lost the one thing I know I need and.. God, James, I wanted to go with you. “

And Natasha hates that, hates being so vulnerable, having such an obvious weakness, but she wouldn’t give it up for anything. She wouldn’t change it. She would never, not for one second, change how much James Barnes means to her. Natasha’s lost too much now, lost James too many times, to possibly give that up.

Squeezing her eyes tight, Natasha turns her head so whatever tears may fall will land on the pillows rather than on James’ skin, not wanting to wake him. Not wanting to force him to see her fall apart like this. Not that he would mind; James has never minded, not once has he been unwilling to take care of her, to remind her it’s okay to be vulnerable, it’s okay to have moments where things are just.. Wrong. But she can’t do that to him, she can’t. “ You’re all I’ve ever had. You’re the only reality I knew I could hold onto. Even back then, when they were messing with our heads, trying to tell you who you were, I could see _you_ , and you were everything. You were my whole world, that never-- never changed. “

Natasha’s not sure anything she’s ever said has been so true. If anything in her life has ever been constant, ever held true when everything else has failed, however small and forgotten it might have become, it’s how she’s always felt about James. How everything around them just dims in comparison to his place in her life, how _nothing_ quite compares to the way he holds her, the way he whispers in her ear, his stupid one-sided grins and his warm laughter. His gentle touches and soft kisses, grounding her to reality, to their reality.

And before she knows it, all of this starts pouring out between hushed sobs and terrified gasps, the realisation of everything she’d come to close to losing bearing down on her way too hard, and before Natasha knows it the tears are flowing thick and fast, her breathing is too laboured for her to speak, and all she can do is _cry_ , curled up so miserably and utterly broken against him.

It’s not until she feels him shift that Natasha realises his breathing has changed, quicker, more alert, and before she can so much as move, those arms she knows so well wrap around her, drawing her close. “ Tasha-- what--? “ James’ voice is still thick with sleep, a little slow and dazed, but it’s there, it’s him, it’s everything Natasha’s always remembered. And as much as she wants to pull away, to force herself to throw up a front and be fine, she can’t. Not with James.

<“ Natalia-- shh, it’s okay. It’s okay. “> How James has always known to fall back into russian when she’s upset, to the language they both know too well, Natasha will never know, but she’s painfully grateful for it now. Her hands wind into his shirt, clinging desperately as he pulls her closer, pressing kisses into her hair and murmuring soft reassurances that roll off his tongue in gentle russian, soothing her, calming her. Bringing her back to the one place she’s always felt at home.

<“ I’m sorry, James-- I’m _sorry_ \-- “> Natasha shakes her head hopelessly and buries her face against his chest, curling closer, seeking some kind of comfort, something, anything. And as always, James gives her what she needs, holding her close, fingers stroking through her hair, kisses trying to sooth the hurt he can’t see.

<“ It’s okay, Natalia, it’s not your fault-- I’m here, okay? I’m right here, I promise. “> Every assurance and promise James can possibly make tumbles from his lips, pressed against Natasha’s skin like it’ll mean more, like it’ll help her believe it, and she does. She can feel him, his heartbeat, the heat of his body, the hold of his arms. She knows him, she knows every part of him, knows he’s there, knows he’s _alive_ , he’s still with her.

Natasha doesn’t move, she doesn’t speak, she doesn’t even try. There’s nothing else to say, nothing to do besides hold him and let him hold her, let him remind her he’s still there. Let him prove to her that it’s okay, that it’s going to be fine. And it is. Natasha knows it is. Eventually.

For now, though, she’s lost. For now, all she wants is this. For him to hold her. To feel that he’s alive, to chase away the fear that one day, she will lose him forever.


End file.
